Herman
writes about the multifaceted experience of parenting with elegance and
hard-earned humility. Her memoir first appears to be less about
motherhood than about her experience as a daughter and a friend, as she
recalls how her mother's depression resulted in her own lonely and
isolated childhood, and partly fueled her lifelong quest for perfect
friendship and companionship. But the relationship really driving this
book is that between Herman and her daughter, Grace, for whom
Herman
vowed to be "the mother to end all mothers." Herman has a restless
mind; she's constantly analyzing every aspect of her relationships with
other adults, but somehow overlooks the ways in which her total
devotion to Grace and her efforts to "meet [her] every need" would
contribute to Grace's inability to individuate from her mother, and
lead to a psychological breakdown at age six. With professional help
and therapy, Grace emerges from that crisis, but Herman's writing about
that period and how her own actions and history contributed to it is
poignant and enlightening. "That sometimes... mothers and their
children's needs will be at odds with each other in ways that aren't in
the least apparent" strikes Herman, an obviously devoted, insightful
and intelligent mother, as a complete surprise, for many reasons
rendered clear by the end of this memoir.