Complete History of America (abridged)

Differences between DVD (2004) and Script (1993)

I noted only the obvious deletions/changes. I did not include dropped/mangled lines.

Act I

p.1 [On tape] deleted “The actors in tonight’s performance are proud to wear Nike, the Official Footwear of The Complete History of American. Nike. Just do it.”

p. 3 Instant Message … IM … T-Vo … American Idol (instead of Post-It … Blockbuster)

p. 4 Paris Hilton for American Gladiators

p. 12 “I’m at the Crucifixion of Christ, and I do not see Mel Gibson anywhere.”

p.17 “Give me the land” instead of “Give it away”

p. 18 21^st century, not 20^th century

instead of “the senior Senator from the state of North Carolina” they insert “double-double, toil and trouble”

p. 26 “my sister Diana …” [as in Diana Ross] … for “my brother Marion”

p. 29 Reed/Franklin: “… Article Two could forbid the government from taking away our civil liberties in the name of Home Land Security. Article Three could forbid people we hardly know from sending us amusing e-mails.”

p. 31 When Adam admits he was overacting, Adam then overacts these lines (over Reed’s attempt to get to next bit):

I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.

Don’t’ shoot until you see the whites of their eyes.

I never had sexual relations with that woman.

p. 38 They do not sing Anne Murray’s song … just sigh ….

p. 39 Madonna vs Shania Twain (cut Tyson/Holyfield)

p. 43 They cut the bit from “Inspiring the joke, “But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, …” through “You knew I could never love you.”

[Note: There appeared to be a “natural” laugh/applause moment with the EKG sound … which might have inspired the cut?]

p. 44 after “secretary named Lincoln.”

“Three weeks before he was shot, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. Three weeks before he was shot, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe. (Other two: Whoaaaaa!)”

Cut “Lincoln was elected in 1860 ….”

p. 45 substitute David Duchovny for Oliver Stone

“Did you know they faked the moon landing on a Hollywood sound stage?” (substituted for Kennedy line …)

Act II

p. 49 cut: Austin: “That’s code, right? That’s gotta be code for something, right?”

Reed: “Yeah, it’s code for ‘We’re hosed.’”

p. 52 cut Austin’s voice over … why? [dvd editing glitch?]

p. 53 Use “Reduced Shakespeare Company” for WXYZ

p. 57 “ … this Prohibition law stinks.” [instead of “… Prohibition isn’t working.”]

p. 66 Pres. GWB arrives … history questions … [I left out San Francisco/CA jokes]

Mr. President, why are you here?

Well, I’m here to undress your audience.

To address the audience?

Exactly.

Thank you for this inopportunity. When I first ran for president, the American people had a choice. And they decided they were fed up with business as usual. They were tired of hanky panky in the oval office. Scandals like Whitewater and Travelgate. They decided they were tired of a booming economy. And the U.S. cooperating with their allies and the UN to keep peace in the world.

You know I am reminded of the late Ronald Reagan. Are you better off than you were four years ago? I would like to thank all of you for ignoring that question and electing me to a second term. Thank you.

The Republican Party used to stand for fiscal responsibility, expertise in foreign policy. What do you stand for today?

I’ll tell you what we do not stand for. Terrorists. Saddam Hussein tried to kill me with a pretzel.

From a child: How do you pronounce n-u-c-l-e-a-r? Nuclear.

GW That is one child I shoulda left behind.

Who carved GW’s wooden teeth?

That’s an easy one: George Washington Carver.

How do I plan to get us out of Iraq?

A sharp right into Iran.

Why were the early American settlers called “Yankees”?

Because there were very few women among them.

Do you plan to spend any more money on schools than on the army?

[Secret Service guy talks into wrist; GW listens to his ear piece … for some time].

No.

Mr. President, boxers or briefs?

GW Boxers. Briefs. Depends.

Move on to 50 years skipped …. P. 68

p. 70 brother Neil instead of brother Hope

p. 71 instead of standard 555: “Call 411. This will count against your minutes.”

p.75 They drop “Pucker up and blow”? !!!

p. 76 no Anne Murray song and bang …

p. 78 cut

Reed: …Look, act like a couple of good boys and take a long walk off a short dwarf.

Austin: That’s goodk, Diamond. But I’m afraid we’re gonna have to rough you up.

Reed: No!

Adam: Yeah.

p. 80ff No Nancy … GHW Bush instead …

Reagan: Well, I loved you in OH! GOD!

GWHB: No, that was George Burns …

Etc.

Picks up p. 81 w/Reed/Spade: The name’s Diamond….

p. 82 Reagan falls asleep … after You bet your ass, buddy ….

Then off-script again:

GHWBush stichk … in GHW’s voice … [might be worth doing … ]

[On DVD they mess up … this bit … go back to original script re Nancy … make a joke out of it … bad GHWB impression ….]

p. 83 picks up again with bedtime for Bonzo to end that scene …

Reed/Spade: I had to get to the Berlin wall …

p. 87 Laverne and Shirley substituted for Beavis and Butthead(?!)

p. 88 Conspirator Guy’s death: omits from “I was Sonny … through Hugh Grant.” And utters, “Schwarzenager” instead of El Nino.

Cut from “George Bush … to drink.”

Inserted:

Spade With the fall of the Soviet Union we had no more enemies. We stood as a lone super power. Admired by all. … Peace would reign. It was a new world order. And I needed a drink.

Lucy Spade, Spade, forget that drink. It’s Ricky. He went to Cuba and is now being held at Guantanamo Bay. They say it is this new war on terrorism.

Spade Don’t’ worry, we’ll get a lawyer.

Lucy They are not using lawyers. They are not following the Geneva Conventions.

Spade Who isn’t?

Lucy Dick Cheney and George Bush.

Spade Dick Cheney and George Bush? Aren’t they the ones who fought the last war?

Conspirator Guy (from the floor) No. You are thinking of Snowbird by Anne Murray. (BANG).

Spade Don’t’ worry Lucy. We’ll get to the bottom of this new war on terror.

Lucy How?

Spade As a beautiful woman once told me, who stands to benefit from the war. We figure that out and we are home free.

Lucy Gee, Spade, it seems like this new world order is a lot like the old world order.

Spade It looked like that drink was going to have to wait.

p. 89 pick up at bottom

p. 91 cut Monica and Lorena and add:

On September 11, 2001, we see the World Trade Center rise from the ashes and tower proudly over Manhattan.

Move Monica to after Michael Jackson line

Cut Bush Senior line

…. The End