Ben Caplans of the world, remain mereologically disjoint

I USED TO BE

… a member of the UCLA ice hockey team. (Here's a picture of me sprawled on the ice. The guy with his skate to my helmet is USC's Nick Nickson, an All-American.)

… a guitar-wielding teenager. (When I was 16, I had a guitar, an amp, and a tape deck. Here's what happened.)

… a Teen Movie Critic for The Gazette (Montreal). (That's 'Teen [Movie Critic]' rather than '[Teen Movie] Critic'. When it comes to teen movies, I am more of a consumer than a critic.)

I AM NOT NOW, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN,

… my dissertation supervisor. (His name is 'David Benjamin Kaplan'; mine is 'Benjamin David Caplan'. We are related, but not by consanguinity.)

… an actor in Band of Brothers (who, I am told by his fans, is also a drummer for San Transisto).

… a crosser of the Verrazano Bridge.

… someone who is concerned about the Cookham bells.

… an economist at the Consumer Goods Price Division.